Collared!

...if you try to hold on to too many things... and preserve things the way they were...  you get dragged down.
Hard and bittersweet though it can be, there are times to let go.
For me, there are no magic spells in life, but one that came close was "Life is about what happens next".
I think I had forgotten that one for a while.

A voice inside my head doesn't want me to write this... but I admit I lose perspective when I have the blues.

I overestimate the purity of my love.

I overestimate the value of the other person that I want to lean on.

The other 'real' person  that is... as opposed to the sacred image I carry in my head.

It's not anbody's fault when they don't live up to the expectation I have of them.

I believe in trust and honesty... but when was I ever 100% trustworthy and honest?... so ain't it just perverse to expect this of other people?

Sometimes it's hard to know what is for the best... I want to say I need someone, even when I know I can't have them. I recriminate myself for a bit saying I am not trying hard enough to 'win' them.  But sometimes.. well I thought I wanted this, but I'm getting that.. so be grateful, it doesn't mean I lost.

PS: when I say "value" of the other person, I mean their role fulfilling capability... not their human worth (of course!)  sounds technical now, don't it!

I can hardly believe this.... I feel washed out but up for doing something... I don't want to help anyone but would be willing to. Yes I would like to be with certain people right now... but I can't be.. and I am not stressed about...

Is there something wrong with me? Am I entitled to blog when I'm in such a condition.

I'm not full of wine, etc. and this is not immediately post-c.

Some invisible ray shining on me right now?

I guess I would like some enlightenment but it's entirely optional.

At the risk of starting this post with the words "At the risk of..."... oh it's happened. Aaargh, why do I caveat so much?

Physical attraction, does it always contain sexual attraction?

Can you be physically attracted to another adult, and you just want to be with them, to hear their voice, to enjoy their good looks,.... without eventually or secretly wanting to do something that, colloquially, involves them losing their brains (if performed wholeheartedly that is?)?

I think you can. However, we are sexual animals... so a bit of a doubt there.

A few weeks ago Michael MacDonald was playing in Manchester and I kinda regret not going to see him. Mind you I only had 3 hours notice and the concert was over an hour away!

This is because I think he may have sung a Doobie Brothers song called "What A fool Believes"

From time to time I think this is the greatest love song ever written.

Not because it's about when you're in love… it's about your imagination abusing you!

It's about a boy-girl thing that didn't happen in the past… … but it can be extended to other types of relationship and other non-events….

Here's the music if you want it...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXvi9bySjQQ&feature=related

Here's the lyric if you need it...
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/d/doobie+brothers/what+a+fool+believes_20042480.html

(Madchester, eh ?...  back in the day....)

I used to be a commuter. I wouldn't always get the same train to and from the city, but usually any train within the spread of the rush hours.

Over time, of course, the faces of fellow passengers would become familiar. Then you would notice groups of people, by which I mean those who would have conversations during the journey, people who seemed to know each other in other hours.

Some people always travelled alone, though this did prevent the exchange of the occasional smile or nod.

Then it became obvious that you could, at a push, remember the sound of voices, or some of the patterns that relationships seemed to possess.

Snippets of conversations, displays of emotions, usual styles of dress… all offering possibilities for joining in. And sometimes you did join in.

Sometimes you even learned their names.

But I am no longer a commuter; and when I do make those journeys there are new faces who do not know mine. I am free but confused by this trick of time.

Many of the love songs say 'you can depend on me'… And adults can seriously promise this to those they love… We want to be there for someone… we want to be dependable… And why not?

Where do I fit this into my thoughts of dependency, independency and interdependency?

The love songs will not scan properly !

If you haven't found, or are not with, your "Special One", then what?

Do I believe deep down that the alternative to having someone out there for me who is "The One" is to have "The Zero"?

Isn't it a bit of a nightmare though, to have some "One", because that contains possession, and how can possessing somebody else possibly be right?

When I have someone in my head, who is the unfortunate target of this desire for possession, is it right for them?

Possibly.

Is it right for them in the same degree as for me?

Probably not.

But if we do have some great times together…?

Well it suits both of us at the time. That's what I mean by "getting lucky", I don't mean getting laid (though that can be a big part of it).

Do I blame a lot of loneliness on not being with "The One"… real or imaginary, when in fact it's just a case of not being at the weekend, and having to grind through the more mundane aspects of life?

And when you do have someone in your life who is close….to just hang out, to gaze into each other's eyes, to make love whenever, well that's a good a definition of heaven… till you think of others.

It's so seductive, when it's not happening… it's much better to look back on, than forward to when there is the vicious threat of something unrequited.

Yes, welcome to potential (and existing) members…

Different people have different days when they consider the year to begin, think of the Chinese New Year for example.

As you may know, for us in the Complicated Club, a new year starts on 2nd July according to the Western calendar. I say "for us", but of course there are exceptions to this rule, which I won't go into here, because it's complicated.

A new year is always a good time to welcome new members, who join for all sorts of reasons.

Membership is not automatically granted.. oh no… but the entry criteria are simple to understand. And for many bloggers, are easy to satisfy.

As follows:
A prospective member must begin to discuss a topic of genuine and personal concern with an existing member of the club.

When the existing member asks them to explain a bit more, the prospective member must convey reluctance, go quiet, or back off and then say "It's complicated". Bingo, you're in.

Although we're all equal in this club…. not!… premium grade membership is awarded to those who persistently use humour to cover up their true feelings about a topic. I would like to explain the reasons behind this to you… but…. er… it's complicated.

(Signed: Membership Secretary, premium grade)

Note: Complicated Club affiliations include:

Mixed Up Club
F#cked Up Club
and the
Cheesed Off Society

(note: the latter should not be confused with the Cheesed Off With Society League, with whom we are not affiliated.)

I think I'll keep on blogging mainly because it's another proof that we are all connected… (BTW this post should lighten up by the end)

Sometimes I go round in circles for hours or days or years… the technical term is 'being stuck'.. and every now and again someone will say something that rings true for me at that time; if they had said it earlier it would just have zinged through like a neutrino and had no effect.

Or sometimes somebody will display something about themselves, casting a silhouette or mirage, reminding me of me… often conveying a feeling as much as a thought… especially good with the hint of an inward smile...

Both of these can be the forerunner of inner change… and promise...

Then again blogging can bring the distraction I need… 'distraction' originally had no negative connotations, it didn't mean something superficial, it had the sense of "food for the soul", as if life wasn't meant to be all about duty and work.

God, so many of you fellow bloggers make me smile, both wistfully and amusingly. Cheers.

PS I made that bit up about the original meaning of distraction. I'm no etymologist, but those of you who are with me on this will know what I am on about, and why I did it.

(Ed: So... er.. when's it going to lighten up?)